Memorial Day weekend.

Dear diary. I'm depressed.

At this point I think it's been 3 weeks and for me that's unusually long to be sad every day. It's Tuesday today. A work day. Yesterday was Memorial day so I had the day off. I had a somewhat relaxing weekend. Somewhat. It's been anti-social and revolved around being with family. But family doesn't help me with my particular problems. Anyway, here's a short account.

Friday evening I stayed out late at work. Until around 21:30. I had nowhere else to go. Alina and Chris (my roommates) asked if I wanted to go play pool. And we did. Went to a place where Gully and I went to a few years back. Gully was a guy I used to know from the beach. Bromance ended when I fell out with the rest of the beach crowd. Either way, we got to the place. I had a burrito because I was still hungry. I'd only snacked that evening. And I had a beer. The beer was a porter... which some asshole had put coffee into. I need to learn to send drinks back when I detest them. But in this case there wasn't another I wanted. So I just sucked it up. We played pool for a couple hours. Alina and Chris wanted to play on the same team. I don't know why we didn't play Cut-throat instead. But okay. So I got to shoot a lot. I won about half of the time. Chris was good at cutting and Alina was good at long-distance shots. If only they didn't do Round-Robin. Either way, we left there after 01:00. I wanted to keep playing. Loneliness and all.

Waking up was tough. I pulled my eyes open around 11:30 and started thinking about my day. It wasn't until 12:30 that I finally got out of bed and decided to proceed with my plan of skipping a morning hike and going straight to Rui's (one of my longest friends) wedding lunch. I still to pack for the weekend trip and I wanted to stop by Tempest to work off the disgustingness of the yesterday. Then I realized that I was already late. The lunch was starting at 13:00. I still needed to shower, get dressed, eat and drive there.. in 30 minutes. It was at a BBQ place... so I had to eat beforehand. I felt terrible, but I messaged letting them know I won't be making it and started trying to revise my schedule. Now I had time to pack etc. Long story short, I headed out at 14:30 and went to Tempest.

Because of the long weekend there was like nobody there. No girls. Wayo was there to try some things on the trampoline. I've finally got a chance to put all the mats by the trampoline so I could try doing flips off of it. That was fun. But again... it's a gym, so kind of lonely.

I still had 2 hours 30 minutes left go to meet up with my sisters in San Diego. Kind of far. I know there was a strawberry festival somewhere down South. Looked like it was on the way, so I stopped by. I got there around 18:00 and was there until 19:00. But I didn't do anything. Looked at people who all looked like they made less money than me. But I think it was only because the festival was on dirt.. so everything was dusty and dirty. As was I by the time I left. Haha. Well, I didn't go on any rides. Even the rides there were too extreme for me. So I gambled instead. Spent $35 trying to win a plush toy or something. I failed at raising the bottle. That one required keeping the rope aligned the with bottle, which I needed practice on. I failed at shoving the ball into a basket. That one required putting a good amount of top-spin on the ball, which my short fingers didn't do so well. And the last one, that I tried 3 times was shooting a start out of a target. With 100 pellets. I know I'm a pretty decent shot. But every time there was a tiny sliver left. So tiny. I was so close... Like 99% of the star was gone... each time. The pictures look good. But I still have no prize to show for it. Disappointed with myself, I bought a frame with a lame picture in it and left.

I got to SD at 21:00 and accompanied my family to the store. I got a Riesling since the store we went to didn't have vodka. That and I was just not happy with my day thus far. Good thing all they wanted was watch TV and have a glass of wine. I bestowed some knowledge on my nephews and then we went to bed.

Sleeping was tough for many reasons, but I was finally up by 11:00. It's Paradise Island. Summer in Southern California. I wanted to go for a swim. But the rest of the family had just pulled in and they wanted to hang out, eat lunch and move on with the day. Lucky for me they were struggling to find a place to eat, so I went to the pool with Tony (my nephew) in the mean time. The water was cold. I didn't want to stay long. The weather wasn't that good either way.

Then we went out to lunch. Long story short: great food, great prices, amazing service; got into a fight with one of my sisters when it was time to pay. It's always like that. Stingy bastards. I ended up paying for the lunch for the 8 of us and told them that whoever feels like giving me money back can do it.

After that we went kayaking. It was my first time. That was fun. I was paired up with Tony again. We weren't any good. We kept getting out of sync. And when we switched and Tony was steering he kept us going in zig-zags. At some point we started playing a game of fetch-the-water-bottle. Except one time Tony missed it and decided to do a quick 180. And we flipped. Hehe. That was fun. We had vests on and everything. I was excited to figure out how to climb on a boat from water. But the rest of the family swam to us and held the boat. Chance ruined.

And then there was nothing. Half the family went to get some food and they said they'll bring some back. I was with a half that waited. We didn't do anything for a few hours. Then at 22:00 the rest of the family came back. I had a sandwich and then 45 minutes later everyone left home or to their rooms. And we went to bed.

I wanted to head back early on Monday. I looked up the traffic and it would have taken me 2 hours to drive back. But I needed a ride to my car. I was told to wait. They were leaving, too, after all. They assured me that I wouldn't have to wait long. I said that if we wait until noon, the drive time will go up to 3 hours for me. Even more for them. While my sisters were packing, Tony and I went on a bike ride. We covered the whole island in 45 minutes. When we got back they were still packing. TL;DR; we didn't set out until after noon.

When I woke up I was thinking I could go for a hike, then go to the beach, or maybe go see someone. The way things panned out, I got home at 15:00, and after unpacking I only had time to quickly stop by the beach. I made plans with Chris and Alina to watch Game of Thrones in the evening. Beach it was! I took the rail. I was hoping to maybe have a conversation with a stranger on the train. But it didn't happen.

On the beach there was nobody there. Everyone had gone the day before. I got to say hello to Chris and Scott. The two local super-hero looking guys. That was nice. Otherwise I just spent the time breaking-in my new ring grips. When my hands were too sore I did some hand-stands. Still can't hold it. I did some Websters. Trying to do them every time I go to the beach now. Don't want to lose them. And then it got windy and I left.

I went for a long walk on the pier. Surrounded by people I still felt alone. I'm sure the expression on my face wasn't a happy one. I didn't use the "Free hugs" people who were standing all over the pier. I got to the end, pulled out my phone and swiped left and right on a couple of dating apps. Then I walked back.

I wanted to go watch a movie or something, but then I wouldn't have made it for the game of thrones night. So I just walked around 3rd street promenade in Santa Monica and got some food. I saw exactly one beautiful woman at the mall there. But she was dressed so well and looked so good that my inner voice managed to talk me out of coming up to her. Le sigh.

Determined to do something when I got home I signed up for e-Harmony and started filling out my profile and answering questions. All until I realized their site is broken. Half of the things I had put in didn't save. I bought a membership to try to see matches.... but I got 4 matches. Within 30 miles. That's..... pathetic. I want my money back. And out of the 4, 3 weren't my type and one has 3 dogs. And I hate dogs. C'est la vie.

Oh, and Chris and Alina didn't get home until 22:30 because they had scooter problems. So I didn't even get to watch Game of Thrones.

The song by System of a Down comes to mind... "What a lonely day. And it's mine. The most loneliest day of my life." And now that it's 11:00 maybe I'll get up and start my day.

Lack of sleep.

Dear diary. I've stayed up the last couple of nights till around 01:00 playing Neverwinter. And even though I have no problems falling asleep. I have a problem staying asleep. Today I woke around 06:30. I didn't like the dreams I was having. And then it was hard to go back. Plus Someone asked me to do something for them. So I got up to do that. Le sigh. And now I realize I haven't updated this in a while. Le sigh again.

Yesterday at the gym was the first time I felt happy this week. It's a nice change. The rest of it has been stressful. Nothing work-related. Work's been good. I'm transferring so everyone's leaving me along until then. The only bad thing has been this guy kicking a football too hard into me. I'm bruised. But at the gym I got the social high. So many new people. And they were asking me how to do things on the trampoline. Best feeling in the world.

Not much else has happened. I saw Dwight. He's moving tomorrow to San Francisco. I'm not sure it will actually affect how much I will be seeing him. But it's sad nonetheless. Hope he finds what he's looking for.

My trip to Canada is soon. I need to start looking for a place or I'll be sleeping in the streets. More sighs.

Slipping

I don't know what the official length of time is for  being sad consecutively before you can call it a depression. It's been another week. And now it feels worse. I think I am getting depressed. Waking up has been more and more difficult. I keep doing crazier things and I find myself telling myself negative things. Things like "Why bother?". Or "You're not good enough". Or "Fuck it. This won't work anyway.". Notably, besides the cigar, this weekend I thought most of my exes for way too long in a way too nostalgic way. Yesterday I ate half  gallon of ice cream. I didn't see a single friend all weekend, and that's not for a lack of reaching out. But I also gave up on a few. Those who are too difficult to reach. Those either live too far away or never show any enthusiasm for hanging out.

So. Saturday. Tough wake-up after Jake's birthday. Lots of mouthwash etc. I wanted to do things. I can't recall what they were. I know I needed to fix some things at the Reseda apartment. I got up around 11:00, drove to Reseda. Bought things I thought I would need at Home Depot. Things like WD40 for the stuck door lock, thermostat batteries and new faucet handles for the faucets. Took me an hour to take the lock apart. I couldn't get it to function 100% because the no-lock pin is pushed in and won't come out. The drive-lever had a piece broken off which got stuck there. Surprisingly it still worked.. the lock... soaked in lubricant. So I put it back together since it's "good enough" however one of the screws had the head almost entirely scrubbed off. That's why it took me so long to take apart. I realized that the reasons they almost broke the whole thing is that the lock hooks didn't quite reach the holes. I moved the holes a little. It seemed to help. A lot.
P.S. I can totally tell the residents just pushed on it too hard too many times and broke it. Tisk.

The faucets needed handles. The ones I bought didn't fit. So I hauled my ass back to Home Depot and bought new ones. For one of the faucets I just decided to replace the whole thing. Bought one for $34. The nest one up from the cheapest piece of **** they had for $26. I also bought some screws.

Back at the apartment I replaced the screws and put some pads under the hole screws to make them stick out more. The lock was done. I replaced the handles in one of the faucets. And that was done, too now. But... installing the faucet proved to be a problem. I tried for 45 minutes to get the old one off. I tried being smart and using brute force. Nothing helped. The stupid screws down below just wouldn't bulge. And they were in this terribly inaccessible place behind the sink.

Chris and Alina invited me to go on a hike. I didn't make it. I was thinking about finishing early enough to go to Tempest, but I had already missed that. I then remembered that there's a Tempest in the valley. I would have to pay them since the membership isn't global. But whatever. I could do it. I left. I said needed to find a plumber and run some errands and drove to Tempest. I called 4-5 plumbers and got quotes ranging from $90 to $175. To install a faucet? It's hardly 30 minutes of work for a professional. What a fucking ripoff. When I had a maintenance plan a plumber visit to replace a faucet cost me $60. And I thought that was steep, too.

So I got to Tempest. I worked out a little. Felt kind of tired because of the evening before. But I still did some things. Not a whole lot. It was nice to be able to go up the wall high enough to touch my stickers. Woo. My stickers. No real improvement from 3 years ago but still. At least I'm not far behind. I chatted with Jon who tore all his ACLs in one of his knees. Then I headed back to the apartment. On the way I stopped by Lowes and asked one of the pretty ladies working there about what I can do to get the old faucet off. I got a plumber wrench, the 10" once since the space there is so tight. And I took a saw so I could saw off the old faucet from the top to loosen the screws down below. She laughed so hard.

On the way to the check out I called some numbers of craigslist. Most of them didn't pick up. One did. He said he could install a small faucet for $65. That was more like it. He said he could be free in 30 minutes. I said it's great and returned the saw. Just took the wrench and headed back.

At the apartment I tried some more to break up the faucet from the top. It was useless from the bottom. And then... a breakthrough. I managed to parts of the cover off. And it loosened the screws on the bottom to a point where I could move them! I broke off the rest of the faucet cover (with lots of brute force). Then I loosed the hold up top and practically undid the screws. below. Almost free... except...

...I'm slightly embarrassed by this but the water has been running the whole time. I tried so fucking hard to shut off the water. But it just kept flowing. And flowing. I opened up cold water. Then shut if off under the sink. Then I did the same with hot water.. but it wouldn't stop flowing. It wasn't full stream, but it also wasn't shut. I put all my force into shutting it off (which is supposed to be easy). But still didn't fucking work. Yeah, it was frustrating. So long story short... the water kept running this whole time.

My solution to taking the pipes off the old faucet was to unscrew them at the source, place something over them so the water would drop down instead of EVERYWHERE and I put a large pan underneath. The fan was filling up at about 3 minutes per pan. So I had 3 minutes to take the line from the old faucet to the new. And I did it. Had like 10% of the pot to spare! I was so ecstatic!

Then the plumber arrived and I went out to tell him that I had done it! The only thing left was to replace the drain pipe. But we had a problem. He drove on a huge van and there wasn't any parking. I had explained to him about how much progress I've made. He just stood there looking out into the distance. He didn't speak English very were. I think things were still seeping into his head. Then he gave me his card, shook my hand and drove away.

I went back. I still had the stupid drain pipe to replace. It was already like 18:00. The water stopped flowing and I had a new challenge. I wanted to replace the pipe since the faucet came with a new one. But it was tough. The old one was metallic and largely rusted. I couldn't get the U-thing that traps crap from the drain off. I couldn't unscrew the bottom screw again. And I couldn't do anything from the top. It was just shitty. But... after messing with everything and using the wrench I just got I managed to loosen the bottom screw. No room to do anything right. I had to move it inch-by inch. Took me over an hour. Not kidding. When I finally passed the silicone tape it went easier. I fucking hate that thing now. Never again. People just hated other plumbers back in the day so they made things that are impossible to repair. I swear.

Once I got the bottom screw loose I needed to get the sinkhole rim off. But it was rusted on. I tried ... very hard. But ultimately just went at it with pliers. A few minutes later I broke off a flowery looking thing. Haha. I was so excited. The U-thing wasn't coming off, but it was plastic so I could at least move it a little. Enough to take the old pipe out and put the new one in. Done and done. And put in the drain stopper as well. Woo! I cleaned up. Mopped the floors. And headed out.

It was 19:45. I was tired. I hadn't showered. I started looking for something to do. I was in such a dire need of socializing. I messaged Dwight and Katie. I thought about Mariya, Julia, Hope and Slava. But fuck Mariya and Julia. And Hope, too. Too many rejections. Hanging out shouldn't be so difficult. I didn't want to see Slava when I was that tired. I would rather seem him when I have the energy to enjoy sushi.

Katie invited me to a book club meeting at her place. It wasn't starting soon though. She didn't want to come out for food. And I can't say I like her roommates. That and I was wearing plumber wear, was covered in rusty water and probably didn't look good either. The final nail in that coffin was that she was 25 minutes away. Home was 26. I would have rather gone home. So I did. But not before stopping by Athenian Grill. Probably my favorite place in the valley. It's crummy and shitty. They stopped carrying my favorite thing there. Fish sandwich. But I still couldn't think of a place I would rather go. I got a falafel plate and took my sweet-ass time eating it.

I played NeverWinter for the rest of the night. I had no strength to do anything else.

Sunday went similar in terms of social isolation. I was really trying to go to Renaissance Fair to meet this woman from OkC. But Alan and Annmarie didn't want to go. Chris and Alina did, but they wanted to go on scooters. I really didn't feel like driving alone... or going there alone. I also felt quite crummy in the morning. I went on a hike. The same place Los... something. Don't remember. I didn't have my stuff since it got stolen at the break-in. So I winged it. Wore the knee brace. Had the Japan cap on. I asked a stranger for sunblock. And I even remembered to load music into my phone. But when I started hiking I realized I didn't have my headphones anymore. They're all gone. :( What a shame. I need to get new ones.

The hike went well. I walked up fast and pretty much ran downhill. I no longer have shoes I can wear to hiking. Need new ones. I went in shoes that really weren't made for it. So I was a little afraid to skip down. Running felt safer. Sigh.

Afterwards... I wanted to go to the Ren Fair.. but Chris and Alina had second thoughts... and decided to not go. I took a bath and watched TV. Didn't do anything. It was so draining. We started talking about going to the movies. But they couldn't decided on that either. I decided I needed to do something. Anything. So I hopped on my bike and went to the beach. I wanted to time how long it would take. And then I could take the train back and see how much time the train saves. Data!

When I got to the beach the train had a long line of people trying to get on. There was no way I could get there with a bike. So I went to the beach proper instead. Didn't do much there since I don't have my grips. Stolen, remember? I chatted with Olga briefly and ran into Katie, Sarah an Byung. Haven't seen the last couple in a while. These names aren't important so I'm not getting into details. Guess who else I saw? One of my exes. Not the most recent one.. but definitely one of the ones I'm not talking to. Le sigh.

I did some 3/4 front flips and headed out. And then... the roommates and I just watched a romantic movie at home, then game of thrones, then I played NeverWinter for a couple hours and that's it. By  my standards what a wasted weekend.

P.S. Still out of people to message on OkC. Maybe 5 new matches all week. No replies. At this rate it will be 6 months before I get another message. I need a new source.

Mistakes

Dear diary. I feel sick. I drank, smoked a cigar, went to bed late and it's just too much. It's mostly passed now. But I'm not a happy camper. I didn't think I would be, but I should have been a little better.

So, today wasn't that eventful. I worked harder than I should have and then I played harder than I should have. There was a talk on WarCraft the movie I wanted to attend. I didn't. There was a business meeting I was in instead. Then I wanted to get lunch, but I worked too hard. I missed lunch. I loaded up on power bars instead. I went to the Project Euler meeting and I even knew someone was coming. But I missed them. That's a shame. So I worked hard, more.

When it came time for soccer I went to a meeting instead. When the meeting was cancelled I was a little sad. I've made all this effort to be ready. And now it didn't matter. So I moved along and went to play. We played a lot. I should have left a lot sooner. I ended up ripping the skin inside the blister that I cut the skin off on Tuesday. I hate it when they're double deep. It takes so long to heal. I still don't have medical tape. I covered up with a tiny bandage and went back to work... and worked hard again.

I stayed at work late. It's Jake's birthday. I decided to go directly there and I didn't want to be too early. At 20:32 I was the first one to show up. Still took people some time to fill up the room. I got bored because it was mostly Jake's ex coworkers. I wasn't in with that crowd. I drank a bunch while waiting for cool people. Then I drank some more. I don't know what was making me sad. Maybe it was my lonely life, or the car break-in yesterday, or seeing couples everywhere. Or maybe it was the stupid cancer stories I've listening to on one of my podcasts. I couldn't contain tears this morning because it was like cancer story after cancer story. Fuck you, Moth.

Anyway, I went outside and had a cigar with a Jeremiah. I haven't had a cigar since freshman year in college. Or maybe it was sophomore year. Jake's father sent him a box-full for his birthday. So I decided to have one. Big mistake. I got so sick. I got dizzy and couldn't stand. Not enough oxygen. I sat in the bathroom until someone needed to use it. Then I sat in the bedroom. Just such a crummy feeling. It was so hard to get up. Eventually Tyler got me some water. Jake got me a pie and Rachel (I think that's her name) played guitar and sang. I think two hours passed. Around 01:36 I was able to walk around okay again and I went home. I've been sober. But I was tired and still a little light-headed.

I woke up an hour ago. Drank water. Finally washed the nasty smell off my hands. It will be another decade before I smoke again. Hopefully more. Blegh! I tried to add people I remember from the party on Facebook. There's not enough. I'm already friends with everyone I talked to except Rachel. Can't find her. Who knows why. I'll try going to sleep again. it's 05:27. Goodnight.

Car break in.

Yesterday was our annual bike-to-work today. I got up a little early so I would have time to bike. Got dressed warm because for some reason the weather was very un-LA like. I went downstairs to my car to get earphones when I discovered a bunch of glass on the ground. At first I thought that some assholes just spilled some during construction. Then I realized there's no construction next to my car... and there's only one source of glass - my car! I looked up and noticed that the back glass on my car was smashed and contents of my trunk gone. Fuckers. If I ever get a hold of them.... So mad now.

And the whole morning/early afternoon went into dealing with the fallout. I called the police and reported the break-in. I messaged the apartment management and asked for footage. I cleaned the car myself. Put everything from the car away. Chris helped clean up the glass from the ground. I started calling people for quotes. Chris made some calls, too. Eventually I settled on getting a very unpleasant person to come and do the work because his pricing was competitive and in absence of other clients he said he could be out in an hour fixing it.

The car was finished around 14:00. I couldn't drive it for another hour. I spent that hour working from home and riding my bike around the block hoping I would find my bags dumped somewhere. I was hoping they just wanted electronics so when they found that all they stole was clothing, beach supplies and athletic stuff, they would drop the bags. But I wasn't so lucky :( I found nothing.

Before driving to work I stopped by Ross and bought new bags. Much cheaper than the ones that were stolen. Much crappier. Maybe they won't look like anything exciting to the next burglar. I bought some basic things, but I'm still missing huge categories like athletic pants, or anything beach-related. Apparently it's not the season for pants, so they're nowhere to be found. I'll keep looking. Later. When I'm less upset.

The few hours that I worked after went fine. Got some new tasks to do. Or technically to undo the work that I did a month ago. Sad Sally is I.

Annmarie came over for dinner at our work. Bria and I joined, so the Japan gang ate together again. Then I went back up to work, but Alan and Annmarie came up not 10 minutes later and offered to have a drink with me. It was a Thursday. So, Tempest night. But I thought good company could be used. And I did. We went to Rose cafe. Had some shitty beer. Alan ordered a Mojito. They charged him $14 for it. Seriously fuck alcohol prices around here. That's just ridiculous. And it was a crappy one at that, Alan said.

Afterwards I went to Tempest. Only had 90 minutes there. I tried to not waste it. I did chest and biceps. Forgot to do back at all. Was out of it. One of the regulars, Katie, came in with full makeup on. She looked good... I ended the session with doing front flips. It's been a while. I had all this energy. It was the anger and beer in me. But it was pouring into beautiful front-flips on the floor. So I loved it. Did the until I went out of breath. Only took like 5 or 6. But that's still a lot more than my usual 0-1. :)

I went home and started messaging women in Canada. I have to at some point. So far no replies. I'll keep messaging. It will make my vacation better. I know it will.

Celebration

Dear diary,

Nothing happened on Monday. I went to work. Researched some things to do later. Then went to the gym. Nothing interesting happened. Played Neverwinter for an hour before heading to bed.

Yesterday was starting out the same way. Nothing fancy was happening. Then by the end of the work day my manager said he's addressed my concerns about the disagreement we had. 0.o Yay! We had a happy conversation. Woo. So now I feel better at work. :)

On Monday I asked Wayo out. Too bad he's not a girl and he's taken. But yeah, now I can say I made a friend. He's nice. Different from me. Very Catholic. Our world views are probably extremely different. But isn't it always like that between friends? We had Indian food and played 3 games of bowling. He won 2 out of 3. I couldn't get my curves right. I guess I have taken a long break. Pretty much since my ex and that's going on over 6 months. Time flies.

Nothing is happening on any other front. I'm scraping the bottom of the barrel on OkC; messaging inactive users. Nobody's replying. Maybe it's a busy time of year for people? Who knows. Either way, I need to find new ways to do things.

But this weekend is already seeming busy. It's Jake's birthday Friday. Saturday I'm fixing stuff at my condo. And Sunday, if I'm lucky, I'll be heading to the Renaissance Fair.

Big nothing.

Dear diary,

I spent the whole weekend going through the motions. I watched American Dad all Saturday morning. Then I went to the gym. I hadn't done anything active Friday so I thought I'd be full of energy. That wasn't the case. I felt drained and it took me more than half the session to get warmed up. Afterwards I was going to do one of 4 things: See Alan, go out to Sabrina's birthday thing, go to a meetup club event or meet Miho, a girl from Bumble (dating app). Miho never replied that evening. I decided that I should go to a birthday thing over a club. And Alan messaged me saying he didn't feel like going out.

I went to Sabrina's thing. But there was just her and Tabatha there (her roommate). And I did a foul, I didn't recognize Tabatha. :( I feel so terrible. She changed her hair color and I haven't seen her in ... 3 years. Yea, but still. I introduced myself like I've never met her. She was offended. :/ Either way after an hour two other people showed up and I bailed. I went to see Alex L at the bar for dinner. While there I texted Alan and asked if he wanted to go out later that night. To my surprise he said yes. And I left the bar and went out with Alan and Annmarie. 

I wanted to go to Basement Tavern, but the line was too long so we pressed on. We ended up at ... I don't even know. Some bar at a hotel. Stupid expensive prices. My double-shot of house vodka cost me $30. The only way I could justify it was that I hadn't done anything fun in a while. We had a good time. I told the couple about my adventures at Freeborn, my freshman dorm. We called it a night at 01:30. Pretty late for all of us. 

Sunday felt the same. I woke up late. Didn't go on a hike I wanted to go to. Went to the beach. I was really worried about my shoulder. So I took it really easy. I was fortunate to keep going until my hands hurt. Hung out for a few hours. I wanted to meet Jake's Morgan. Jake's the coworker and Morgan is the women he flew over the UK for a week to hang out with him. Good times for them. I wanted to be envious. I see so little happiness around me. It's sickening when I do, but that's probably because it never happens anymore. But I digress. 

I wanted to leave already, but decided to make myself do handstands. Met Heather from Atlanta who's in town for a few days. We exchanged phone numbers because she said she's coming back in a few weeks for another visit. 

Almost forgot. I met Miho yesterday. When I go to the beach I hung out with her on the pier first for about 90 minutes and only then went to the rings. She seemed nice. Not my type, but I'm not picky. She seemed like a good person. Works with animals. It's her first time meeting someone she met online. Hehe. I haven't contacted her after that, yet.

Anyway, after the beach I needed to go to Plummer Park for the Russian Festival in honor of WWII victory. I left the beach and got a message saying I should be there by 18:00. And so I did... to watch it end at 18:30. Apparently I got bad info. Missed the festivities again. For like the third year in a row.

After that I went to the Russian store, loaded up on Russian food to eat then and to take home. We went to Olga's. Mange-d the food and some of the cake. Yes, I got a cake. Olga and Stacy weren't even there. They were visiting a friend. So we had fun without them. 

When I got home Alina and Chris were already setting up Game of Thrones. So I watched that with them. And I finished the day off playing Neverwinter with Alex (my nephew). I just realized I can't use Alex L because that's taken or Alex M because that's taken as well. Maybe I can do Alex M-L? Yeah. That's seems legit. Played Neverwinter online with Alex ML for an our. :)

P.S. Was in terrible pain last night because I had a bag of carrots for dinner. And I don't chew well so I'm still dealing with sharp pieces moving through my intestines. :(

Decision day

So the only thing that I need to do today is to decide which team I want to join. I've talked to the same number of people on them. I have a good idea of pros and cons. I'm leaning toward one team so I can make more impact. Both teams have significant downsides. But that shouldn't stop me. I have to transfer. Delaying the decision will only slow me down. I'm tired of stress.

Yesterday I went to Tempest. Haven't gone a couple of days and was excited to try things again. But 20 minutes into it I rolled my ankle and limped for the rest of evening. I bounced on my back a little ... and pushed some weights. Made another two hours pass by. But ultimately limped away. Now I don't know if I'll be able to play soccer. I'll have to get out of bed first.

Last night I was looking at the numbers of women I've messaged. Because given how many I've tried to message... it just wasn't adding up. So I added an extra check for the WebDriver wait to look for a confirmation before moving on. I think it would be very disappointing to find out that only 1 in 5 messages I sent out went through. So I didn't dig any deeper. Then I looked for more people and ran into Alex K (Sasha from high school) on OkC. Messaged her and we had a brief chat. Given that we've deleted each other as friends on Facebook a few times over the years I don't think it's a match made in heaven, but she's a cool person. And I've got nothing to lose.

Time to live the dream.

The deadline for me to pick my next team is fast approaching. It's getting nerve-wrecking. I might just end up tossing a coin. The fact that my manager is an jerk and his bad review will cost me $$$ is beginning to really sink in. I think I have a lot more fighting to do. Or I could let it go and focus on other things. But ultimately... I care about how far I make it. So... I'll fight on. But I am tired of losing sleep over it. Catch 22.

In other news, I bought a ticket to Canada yesterday. Going there mid June to catch the NXNE music festival and all other festivities that come with it. So excited. Paid extra to fly on the weekend because Rui is having her wedding right on the weekend that I wanted to spend in Canada. Siiiigh. So far I don't know where I'm staying and who I'm spending time with. This leaves the door open to find someone there online right now or find a friend to come with me.

Working hard again

So in news there's nothing too big. I'm asked to find a new team by the end of the week. So I'm looking. Had a 1 on 1 with a dev from another team. Need to have a few more this week. Today is going to be a short day though. I have a Skype call with Anna K and then Alex L is coming over around 19:00 so we can work on his grandpa's computer together. With all that it doesn't leave too much time to work today. But I don't feel bad since I left work at 21:30 yesterday. I was working. Hard.

I had a meeting with my boss's boss yesterday and he basically said I shouldn't pursue anything and should just let things go. I don't think he understands the gravity of how upset I am. But then again he has no incentives to take my side since I'm leaving his org. Well, there's a chance I will be. That's pretty much it. It's been dead otherwise.

When I got home I was yet again listening to another podcast that was trying to convince me to take action to achieve my dreams. Actually it was saying that dreaming too much hinders progress. And it's a mental tool to snap out of it - find reasons to take action. So even thought I was tired yesterday, I adjusted my script to message liked girls on OkC going through all the pages, instead of just the first. We'll see how that pans out. But I'm pretty sure  I'll need add a hell of a lot more filtering if I'll run out of search-results and have to resort to swiping again. I realize swiping is how I ended up messaging women in Canada. :/

Mother's Day.

So yesterday was Mother's Day. Not something we celebrate  in Belarus, so it's still weird and not even on my calendar. My sisters wanted to get together, so we went to a buffet. My older sisters went to a movie before hand. There was an idea that others could go after. However I'm not sure who was in charge of planning, so everything just kind of went weird. I ended up picking up grandpa. One of my sisters took him back. My dad called me if I could pick him up as well. I said yes, but I told him I couldn't take him back. I was keeping the evening free to maybe go see Katie, Hope or Alina M.

My dad drove alone. He got there on time. Grandpa and I were next. My sister and Chris were late. I kept rushing them out the door, but I ended up leaving first. And I knew I would get there faster because I'm on a car... and they're not. My older sisters were there shortly after. But I don't think it mattered that much ultimately. We had reservations but I think they would have accommodated.

This is the part where I review the buffet, but I'll just summarize it: cheap buffet, crappy food. Like a 3/5 crappy. So, edible, but I didn't go for seconds of anything.

My sister brought my birthday camera. It's nice. Takes good photos at night. That's why I got it. Makes me happy. I want to take time this week and actually read the manual to see all the cool things it's capable of. I went to Fry's after and bought an SD card so now I just need to order a strap and I'm good to own.

After the buffet things got confusing. Nobody knew what they wanted to do. I started looking up movies like someone's mentioned we should. My dad said he doesn't want to wait for plans to materialize and left. My older sister, niece and grandpa went home. Chris and Alina went to IKEA with my other sister. And I took my nephew Tony to the movies to see Avengers: Civil War.

What a good action-movie. The drama was pretty crappy and uncharacteristic. But I didn't even notice. Tony had to point it out. So I liked it. It definitely made more sense than Superman vs Batman. Though... not much more. I put myself into the villain's shoes and realized that the whole plan was banking on Iron Man being an idiot and being at the right place at the right time.

Afterwards I heard back from Hope, Alina M and Katie and they were all indisposed. I messaged Tatiana and Miho to see if they were free. But one was studying and the other already in her PJs. So I went home instead and started working on rooting my phone. Since I had it encrypted, just wiping it was taking over an hour, so I watched game of thrones with the roommates.

And today.. I don't want to go to work because of the political forecast.

Dehydrated

Dear diary:

I should probably stop drinking. It's become too often of an occurrence. This week I drank on Wednesday, Friday and Saturday. And I'm not happy about it. I think it's too often, but most importantly it's detrimental to my work outs. I went on a hike yesterday. Same place as last week but I only went up to the first view point and back. So ~2.4 miles. I went fast and skipped/run down. But getting started was very difficult. And then at Tempest I was just fatigued. I used less weights than normal and I felt like my body was recovering from ingesting poison. Ethanol! And today I thought about going to the beach, or having breakfast with someone, but since it's 11:00 and I'm still in bed, it's not happening.

Friday was an okay day. My manager took a vacation day and didn't show up to work. I wonder if it has something to do with our disagreements. I worked diligently and was going to stay working late. But Alan suggested we go out or something and I took him up on his offer. Him, Annmarie and I got food at the food truck thing and then watched Harold and Kumar go to White Castle at their place. Good evening. Except.. I drank again. Siiiiigh.

Annmarie suggested I try this dating app called Bumble. It has a distinguishing features to favor women by making it so that only girls can make the first move. If you know about the Stable Marriage Problem solutions, you know that it gives an edge to the proposing party - women. So logically I shouldn't participate. However, such a marketplace would be more favorable to women not found in other settings online. So I'm trying that now. First day is a success as I've now had one conversation. That's a whole conversation more than I've ever had on Tinder (in LA).

But.. today is mother's day. I have people I need to speak to.

Management trouble.

Dear diary,

I guess now I have something not-so jolly to write about. It's Friday. I'm up at 08:00. I would like to think it's my debilitating shoulder pain that's keeping me up. I can't drive with my right, lift anything, or do literally anything at Tempest (gym). Sleeping is uncomfortable. But, the thought that keeps me awake at night isn't about my shoulder. It's about my work. On Monday I came in to work and read our performance evaluations and found out that my boss has been seeing my work very negatively. 

My manager and I had four meetings this week to discuss this. All that I've gotten from him was that his tone was overly negative and some of the numbers he sighted weren't accurate. But he keeps telling me he can't do anything about it now. It's done. We've both e-mailed HR about this and I'm meeting with his boss next week. It's so frustrating. 

Probably the most frustrating thing is that I was already pretty much on the way out from under him already because he had the brilliant idea to break up our team. Now I have been considering staying with a team under my manager because it's familiar... but not anymore. Him and I have been coworkers for 3.5 years. I saw him rise to team lead and then manager. And I saw him go from being a good developer, to a beginner manager to a self-righteous crusader who pulls opinions out of his butt when he needs to support his hypothesis. 

The caveat here is that it's my performance review that the next manager is going to see. And up until Monday my reviews have been very good. He's slapping on a final "fuck you..." right before I transfer out. So that's been keeping me up at nights.

In the mornings I've been waking up.. reluctantly going to work. Then back home and watching TV. No, I don't feel defeated or anything. I'm just stressed. And this is the stupid kind of stress. The kind that just messes with you. There's no benefit to me being stressed. Cards will fall where they may and I will go as far as I can to get my record clean again. 

It's hard to focus my thoughts right now. I think there are things I would like to discuss. Like I saw my ex's car at the grocery store yesterday. Or that I got too busy to message women. Or that my second date on Monday went nowhere fast. Or that it's been a gift-exchange week. Alex L got me my shot glasses, I got him a chemistry blanket, Tanya bought me a camera for my birthday and Rui asked for a Peruvian blanket as her Christmas present. Friends and family.

This Sunday I was going to drive down about 01:30 to meet a girl from OkCupid but it's mothers day and my sisters want to get together. I guess I need to change my plans. I also want to go on another hike same day. I didn't like getting destroyed last week. Wednesday was the first day I could walk upstairs without pain. Ouchie. Out of shape.

It's been 30 minutes. I should start the day. The sooner I start it the sooner it will be over. And I already want it to be over.

Rich days

Dear diary:

It's been a few very rich days. So much so I didn't have the time to allocate an hour or so to write about them and it would seem I won't. Most of the memories have escaped me. But, before I start this week I want to dump the weekend onto here before I forget even more.

Friday:

I went to a parkour Jam. It was Jump the world day.
Then I worked and didn't play soccer.
In the evening I went to the "Love in Porn" screening, drank, faceplanted on the trampoline a few times. Drove home awesome.

Saturday:

Volunteered for Google Games. A chance of smart college students from USC, UCLA and CalTech to compete. All we company gets out of it is good publicity. Met Doga, Mahmood, Alec, Kim, Jesse and Brian. Yay new acquaintances.
Had a meet-and-greet with Andie who is a cool person.
Was supposed to have dinner with Alex L but he fell asleep and didn't pick up his phone. My body was recovering so I just watched anime (Knights for Sidonia) instead.

Sunday:

Woke up and tried to go on a hike with Chris and Alina. Failed to wait for them because I decided to see Katie as well. Did a 6.8 mile hike in 2 hours 10 minutes which included a 30 minute break in the middle there to chat with Chris and Alina when I encountered them on the way back.
Went on a beautiful bike ride with Katie and had sushi with her. Yay friends. Some of it was weird. Needs more discussion.
Went to a backyard party at Seraina's. Saw a few good people from the beach. Watched the sun set. Very tranquil.
Drove home hurrying to have enough time to watch the first two episodes of this season of Game of Thrones with Alina and Chris. Didn't want to make them wait.

--

I want to expand paragraphs and paragraphs about each one of my experiences, but I don't know where to find the time. I should just get more diligent about writing. I do think I was way too booked this past weekend. First world problems.